If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
my whole body is tingling just thinking about the orgasm hes going to give me
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
we had break-up sex in a port-a-potty. how do you think it went?!
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
Do not ever get that redhead chem major high. Gave her a magic brownie and she sat in a corner and literally cried about organic chem. Never again.
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
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