just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
let me put it this way. im never saying "join in or get out" again unless i know whos in the room.
watching espn. realized that the exact place those sportcenter guys are is where I got laid on the beach last superbowl. my sex spot is broadcasted nationwide
I think I am the only girl in the world who would be proud of these scars from rug burn.
she tried giving me head in the pool. it was more entertaining than pleasurable
So squirting runs in the family.
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
We've had gay sex and pie, the holiday season has officially begun.
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