Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
So..he has a girlfriend BUT she rarely writes on her wall and is only in 5 of his 371 tagged photos and her default pic is her with some other dude. It cant be serious
Oh my god you need to get off of facebook.
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
Yaaaayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy! It has more than one y so my intentions to sleep with you after the drink special ends are clear
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
the yoga instructor with the "dirt" and "roots" tattoos is seriously mother nature. i get my period after ever session i have with her. i'm trippin' balls over it.
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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