My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
I actually had fun getting arrested. That high.
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
yes, i was eatting raw cookie dough and fingering myself at the same time.... is there a problem?
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
We were basically fucking on the dance floor. People kept buying us drinks. It really only encouraged us.
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
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