...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
She called herself a train and then took off all her clothing. I forget everything after that.
I saw you two flinging Jello at the sidewalk if that helps jog your memory.
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
i'm scootering my little heart out so i'm not late for a weed pickup. this is the meaning of adolescence
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
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