Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
He doesn't make grammatical errors. Even while getting head.
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
You scratched my dick last night. It deserves an apology and I fell that actions speak louder than words when it comes to apologies like this.
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
Not now. Out of camp chairs. Carving a new one with a chainsaw. Mushrooms are starting to kick and I gotta get this done NOW.
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
The best walk of shames are on the highway
Randomize
