so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
KETAMINE SUNDAYS ARE SERIOUSLY FUCKING ME UP!
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
Just traded a sandwich for anxiety drugs outside the club. I fuckin' LOVE this place.
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
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