just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
Im wearing black today mourning the orgasm i couldn't get this morning :(
So if I run into you on the street, I'm supposed to just stop drop and suck your dick?
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
I might be a bit longer... I found a hot guy at the grocery store, so I'm following him and buying stuff that he's buying
dude, he literally lasted one minute. and i paid 8 dollars for cabs.
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize
