I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
I hope you get used to having plenty of sperm because you're never gonna get any.
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
I shagged another guy with one ball last night. Are there really that many dudes with one nut in la or am I just a magnet for prostetic testes?
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
it was like lady and the tramp only with a jello shot on the pool table
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
What is soo wrong about a house of half-naked people hugging each other and laughing?
The pinata full of drugs?
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
you were acting out moves from the wwe, in a dress. then you sceamed "you can't see me" and ran out of the apt.
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
Randomize
