I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
i jus got home and totaly forgot i had nut all over the back of my shirt
..im mad u rememberd about that
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
I can feel my pain tolerance has shot up right along with my libido
Am I a bad person for getting my ex to DD me and a random hookup home last night?
idk. a stripper just bit me. I'm so disoriented
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
Randomize
