tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
Is it too much to ask that I wake up one morning with out a pic of your dick as my wallpaper??
So half of us were already throwing up outside when the Ukrainians ask us if we're ready to start partying yet. I love this country.
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
oh the usual. high as balls and crying about the hunger games.
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
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