Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
I realize now. I should have just made out with everyone and anyone when I had the chance.
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
Get ready tonight we are going to get drunk and pierce my nipples
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
Randomize
