the blizzard started in kansas. im debating driving to a bar now so i can get snowed in there for the game
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
can I share that I'd like to fuck him in my new car as a sort of car warming present to myself?
I totally OverDed on K2 last night. I felt like I was made of lead and then I had a panic attack.
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
Randomize
