I'm getting very good at recycling my hook ups. So even though i'm having more sex... I'm the same amount of slutty.
Yes! I like to call that picking from the buffet!
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
I think I'm still a little drunk from Sunday Funday and I just changed for a date in my car. wish me luck.
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
She was doing drunken zumba and screaming "FUCK YOU I HAVE MY OWN STYLE!" at the TV
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
Randomize
