She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
At what point were we discussing suction-cupping a dildo to the wall?
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
walking around pouring bird seed on passed out guys in the quad.
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
If a marine in My bed is not considered a valid excuse for missing class then I don't want to live in America anymore
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
Randomize
