i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
And when we woke up we made beer pancakes. Great start to a family picture day.
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
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