Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
In an unrelated matter, im gonna eat you out so much later.
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
Randomize
