I can't believe believe she called me a slut. She doesn't know anything about me or my life.
Shit, that's something a lot of sluts say.
i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
I just had a 2 1/2 hr conversation about the pros and cons of taping your ballsack to your taint, which then led into the unveilling of lady gaga being a hermaphrodite.
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
apparently they wrote a song entitled "butt slut" about her... im thinking shes not girlfriend material.
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
being pregnant is like rehab
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
I feel as bad as you right now. I'm about to use one girls car to go see another one
Fuck ya. But normally I drove one girls car picking up a different girl while texting another girl lol
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
who knew being a fake dominatrix could be so fun?
Randomize
