pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
It seems I've entered my 21st birthday the same way I entered this world: naked, crying and smothered in someone else's bodily fluids...
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
Randomize
