I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
I also referred to her clitorous as her "vagina dot" last night...probably going to be dumped soon.
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize
