How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
Thank you for the breast cancer awareness themed circle of death. Had it been any other time I would not have played topless.
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
Riding your boyfriend's dick for an hour then waitressing for 8 hours. Would not recommend.
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
This is why I love being gay. I could never afford that much birth control.
Randomize
