So, how was the dinner
Just like the ex wife, cold, fatty, and expensive.
At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
every single one of us blacked out. we woke up the next morning and it was like the night never happened. IT'S STILL A MYSTERY
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
I basically get to watch her life fall apart via tumblr updates
We're trying to leave but amy's hitting on the guy who mans the nacho cart
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
This is the best thing we've done since that time we started a religion
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
Randomize
