That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
She just used a chaser for red wine.
Got one of only two perfect scores in the class on the quiz I took drunk. This is not a good thing for me to have learned about myself.
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
I'm doing shots of jagger in dixi cups and making a lesson plan for my 8th grader summer school class. My life is so close to adulthood I can taste it
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
When he swipes my v card it will be comparable to my bat mitzvah. should I make sweatshirts or sweatpants?
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
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