walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
I have on cowboy boots and a ten gallon hat. I'd say I'm a little past tipsy
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
For reals. He's my age and he still hangs out at his frat house & gets hammered every weekend. Idk if I'm jealous of him or if I pity him
At least your vagina gets to vagina again. Dust that thing off.
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
Randomize