Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
i may have used way too many innuedos last night. i scared him off. but really... how could i pass up "stimulus package" and "flacid economy." don't answer that.
Random question, how's your gag reflex these days
8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
Yes, I have your ice luge mold. I'll do a prisoner exchange for the beer bong
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
I don't know why I do this to myself his dick is a constant source of disappointment.
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Randomize