I am spending my child support on dildos
the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
and then she yelled "im going to fuck the next guy that walks by me". so ya thats how i lost my virginity
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
yeah...i noticed he pets people when he's drunk. It's odd.
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
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