He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
Ok spinning in the opposite direction thatg the room was spinning was the worst advice ever
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
Randomize