umm..so Dad's wearing a thong, I don't know what to do
put a dollar in it?
there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
Also managed to rip my pants and set myself on fire. And oddly enough I'm still not ready to ask for 2010 back.
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
Makin mac and cheese without you. Definitely seem to do this better inside you. Splashed boiling water on my cock
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
Randomize
