yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
wakey wakey hands off snakey
Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
The yoga party turned into an underwear party because we are all incompetent when it comes to tying bed sheets.
This has been a Party Success Story
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
I want to be her friend more than I want to fuck her boyfriend.
Randomize
