The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
I'm promising sexual favors in return for his responsible life decisions. Now THIS is growing up.
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
She really has to stop the coke at some point. Won't she run out of money eventually?
Won't she run out of nose eventually?
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
When a guy invites you to dinner and breakfast the next day it's implied that he's going to make some sweet loving in betwixt correct?
I just gargled with NyQuil
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
Randomize
