i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
Another Sunday, another 100 chicken nuggets
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
Dude when we asked him where he lived all he could tell us was "by the slurpees." That fucked up.
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
He had a joint rolled for us when he picked me up. It's how ASU does romance
BTW I totally understand panda express being popular amongst the highs. I can feel the shrimp being slaughtered in my mouth. It's fantastic.
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
It's like if you wanna bond just do a ropes course or have group sex you don't have to be weird about it
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
i do my most serious thinking while screwing her. ive pondered everything from quantum physics to the life cycle of a badger. if i keep this up ill have a phd in no time.
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
Randomize
