Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
Bjs on a first date are the gateway to getting to know someone for who they really are.
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
Condoms and Ice Cream, that's all we need.
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Randomize
