It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
im pretty sure one of the guys i was dancing with at graffiti wrote on my back "you rock". now feel like a danced with a 5 year old.
i was about to cum until he started doing shrek impressions.
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
No more Raisinettes before sex. That's what happened. I just put it together
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
I should not be so motivated by a penis, but I am
DOUBLE NIPPLE PIERCINGS ARE HORRIFYING
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
I just want a relatively mentally stable guy with tattoos and facial hair that loves Captain America as much as I do and will fuck me the way I deserve to be fucked, is that too much to ask for?
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
Randomize
