i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
they night at the roxbarryed us. came out of nowhere,bought us shots, and then the big one licked my hand? we got out of that noise.
and PS, please don't fuck in the corn maze, k?
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
I would let him fuck me right here in this laundromat. Praise Satan.
Randomize
