dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
terrible decisions. terrible terrible terrible decisions.
who'd you have sex with.
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
yeah, its right past the deli mart where i showed my right tit for mozzarella sticks.
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
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