he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
Drinking Grey Goose on the toilet. Don't make me graduate.
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
When I say rough sex, and show you scars from past encounters, pulling my hair a little IS NOT GOING TO CUT IT. And he just doesn't understand.
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
Idk how much of a virgin he is but I'm tryna find out.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
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