whats the name of the jew you used to have sex with that lives on evergreen?
be more specific...?
Do you remember trying to eat gravel when we were walking back to the dorm?
besides im still about 80% sure that im eskimo brothers with jerry springer
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
she told him my safe word. I'm gonna casually work it into conversation and at him suggestively to see if he realizes i want to have rough sex with him
Randomize
