she took her clothes off and my dick went from =====> to =>
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
i told you the emergency thong was a good idea.
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
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