if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
At what point did we cease to have vaginas?
Sometime in the sweat pants phase freshman year.
Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
Well if it makes you feel any better I threw up at Roadhouse. And then on the way to the train. And then in a water fountain. And then in a plastic bag on the train.
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
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