The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
Somehow she slept thru the vacuuming, people walking in and out, and the sound of constant beer bottles hitting the trash, but when someone said weed in a regular volume of voice she startled awake.
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
We got kicked out of Walmart for playing cod with squirt guns of course it was better then prom.
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
I just sold Adderall to a priest, im not quite sure how I feel about this situation
I've decided I will have no shame for the things I don't remember doing.
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
Randomize
