guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser.
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
Like the fear of satan was put into my heart when I saw him put that sandwich on the WOODEN BENCH
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
you're not celebrating your 21st birthday right unless you give a male stripper a hand job, flash the bartender, and win a free vibrator.
Randomize
