if i can run in heels then i can drive
I peed while puking? Even better
Yes you most deff did. Ultimate multi tasker you are
I heard that if you win you get to have sex with me. You guys really need to stop wagering my vagina.
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
Dude, Donte totally wants it. I don't have any idea how I do it. I'm not even cool. I'm not even the hero Gotham deserves. I'm barely high. My hands are swelling. Want me to pick you up anything from five guys?
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
three guys with a tattoo of the Walmart rollback smiley holding up a middle finger on their ass=free drinks in every bar
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
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