Come back if u want to. I'll do some dirty shit to u mamacita.
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
Just saw ur first draft of ur suicide note.
You spelled "worthless" wrong.
you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
hes out at the street wearing a tophat and a monocole and carrying a cane and greeting every car that drives by
he just went across the street and into someones house and we could hear him inviting them over from the front porch
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
just walked passed a black light...apparently he DID cum.
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
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