I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
i had to sit with a fan pointed directly to my vag for a good 10 minutes
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
I climbed out a window to pee last night because i thought i was locked in the room... Then crawled back in and went to bed. The poor neighbors.
so dehydrated I couldn't fill the pee cup to the right line for my drug test for school. I was like sorry it was my birthday yesterday
But of course I'm in. After all, what fun would the holidays be without trying to find the perfect gift to impress someone you've never met, but need the approval of??
Randomize