Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
Friends don't let friends drunk sleep in the dorm common room
I feel like we should apologize to the light saber. We were REALLY inappropriate with it last night.
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
Judging by his bulge. This guy is going home with me. Who doesn't want a dick that looks like it used to be a pillar in Rome.
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
