does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
They wont let us in. Theyve some sort of no Daft Punk costume rule
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. I drunk emailed a professor on friday. Oh my god. Oh my god.
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
College is really paying off. I am gonna be a great teacher. I just made a grading sheet for weed. This shit got an A.
it's 1043 pm. still havent changed out of the shirt i wore last night so at this point i figure i'll go for twosies.
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