i just met a girl who was sent to the hospital for using her phone as a vibrator and got electrocuted. 4 weeks later she got sent back for shoving a hot dog up there. welcome to the teenage american society
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
It's Scottsdale, it shouldn't be this hard to find drugs.
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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