a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
I don't really know I'm just giving her a key to get back in and the "don't get pregnant speech" and leaving it at that.
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
Just thought you should know, Im with josh now. Im no longer available for rent. I have a full time tenant now. Like, a year long lease at least.
We fucked so hard and loud that the everyone at the party downstairs starting chanting his name. Oh I we broke a lamp.
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
A surplus of mistakes were made and I don't know what 89% of them were.
Guess who cheated on their SATs? Also on the same line guess who's getting in to Princeton at damn near free of charge?
The air taste purple.
I know I may be showing my age by saying this but this is the first time I have been eaten out in the parking lot behind the Clairmont Inn since 1990
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