I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
I don't know man. I fell outside Pizza Hut and an employee had to perform first aid. But I think I got free pizza. So it was worth it.
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
I didn't want to leave, I wanted to move into his ass
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
Do thigh high boots and a ball gag count as a costume?
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