When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
official worst smell ever. a used condom that has gone through the dryer.
You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
using the campers leftover pizza money at the bar. Definition of great counselors right here.
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
too bad we didn't bet. my 38-1 tears would have made great lubrication for a blow job.
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
Randomize
