I'm playing the sound guy on a porno set
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
would he be offended if i told him that "national coming out day" is october 11. thats subtle enough right?
they pretty much knew i was there to get drunk and fuck their daughter
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
At my place... I'm gonna be honest though stonewall Jackson is not going to be able to rally the troops. Too many shots of tequila
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
Randomize
