My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
The biggest loser is alot easier to jack off to at the end of the season
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
i only got to wear my halloween costume for an half hour before it got taken off.
Randomize
