I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
That man deserves a slow clap... He defied the power of the vagina
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
Idk... he wears anklets.. i dont think i can get past that.
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
