Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
Do you remember peeing on the wall and then yelling at us to stop looking at your dick?
So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
Dont judge the spank bank, just be happy that you were deposited there.
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
Randomize
