I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
She made Precious look like a solid 6.5.
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
we're like Indians of the 21st century. trading not for food and survival but personal gain and by trouble you mean getting daytime drunk and going to the roller ring then yes.
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
I don't deserve a penis
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
If the ex isent in town and im crying under a table somewhere because of it can we go to a drag show or something
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
Just want to apologize again for asking to spot your form in the shower.
god i just can't wait for finals to end so i can just masturbate all day and night
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
Randomize
