I won a flip cup tournbment! Why is boot and rally so hard when youre old?
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
we're talking about where were going. or where we stand. but yeah we'll basically be doing it in the hallway so just ignore us
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
If i come home from court on friday.. i'm definitely doing something illegal.
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
the last thing i remember is ordering pitchers of white russians....
at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
Black out Jordan is making huge strides. I didn't even pee on anyone or anything last night.
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
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