his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
I didn't notice because vodka
hes that one kid that offered to spoon after staring at me for 5 minutes
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
I believe you can. But if you can have rum with breakfast then do that. Definitely do that.
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
Randomize
