We each get one free throw up cleaning, no questions asked.
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
Life without a bra equals bliss.
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
Randomize
