My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
We had to go visit his dealer in the hospital to buy some weed.
Or I could just give you a blow job and make it up to you.
No, that's okay. Don't worry about it.
Going once.....twice.........sold to the girl who didn't really wanna do it anyway.
I am undressing in in n out. They migit ca5l security. Are you provn d6 me?
OH MY GOD. SO PROUD.
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
Randomize
