i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
If he doesn't notice me by the next party, i'm just gonna go up to him and pll his pants down and blow him.
Sounds like a plan.
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
SURVIVED FINALS. CAN'T DIE FROM ALCOHOL POISONING. NOTHER SHOT. CAPS.
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
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