booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
I didn't say she couldn't, I said you shouldn't.
Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
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