Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
I can't tell if you're talking about my pussy or Cape Cod.
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
I collect Covid conspiracy theories like I collect Pokemon.
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
Randomize
