How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
Should I be offended if he asked if he could use saran wrap to eat me out?
you kept running across the street. everytime you made it across successfully you took something off. can't believe there were no cops around...
oh thats it?
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
It's not slutty if it's for workout purposes...right?
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
I'll have to start mass sending dong pics to get the recognition I deserve
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
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